So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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