while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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