Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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