if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize