I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Someone signed my nipple.
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