Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
