dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
