i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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