i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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