The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
did i just pee glitter
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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