I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
