Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
