so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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