Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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