What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
