i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
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