Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
