Can Purell be used as lube?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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