Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize