just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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