Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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