dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
