If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
