Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
