if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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