I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
