Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
