1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
