how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
