My girlfriend figured out who you are.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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