i think my mom watched the whole time
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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