Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I did not marry a roomba.
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