I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
People in love make me want to vomit
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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