to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
