U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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