Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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