To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
