I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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