im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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