i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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