Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
