Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
After last night, I could never be a politician.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
