so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Drunk is a universal language darling
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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