the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
