I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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