I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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