our cab driver is having phone sex.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
