my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can I color on your dick again?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
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