I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
