I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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