You're my little dorito
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
