So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
