she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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