Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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