It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
