i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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