Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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